Mafia Gazette Past Issue 29
20th September, 2005 'MORE STREET BOSS SLAYINGS ' Since the last issue reported on the deaths of seven street bosses, another four have been killed, bringing the total to eleven in a thirty-six hour period. As yet, there have been no real reasons brought for this apparent wholesale slaughter of the leaders of our community and more people have found themselves without a Family or home. DevilsPawn died shortly after having bought a bar in New York, shot down by Jammy. An unknown assailant shot down Bertone shortly after he took over the reins of the Tanzini family, claimed by stamp as a kill for the group known as the Who-Errs, another of whom, Sweet_Teet, tagged the grave of Moran. Mithras was killed by Pastor_Garrett, killed after returning fire on the Pastor, who claimed to have been protecting friends. This trend is becoming alarming and while writing, Dr_Thong has also been murdered with no clue as yet to the identity of his killer closely followed by HymieWeiss, killed by the Mystery Men. People are now calling out in the streets for an end to the violence that is being visited on the community. 'WEEKEND AT UNCLE NICKY’S' By: Ophelia Payne Today saw yet another return of the corpse of Charlie Baltimore to our streets. It has been noticed that since his death on August 13th his body keeps creeping up on unsuspecting citizens of our world. Evidence has pointed to the United Nations animating the body through some hard work by its members. Seen committing this vile act were the sons of past greats Kes, Evsie, Yellow Gil, and Frankie Figs dressing the corpse and using it to further their family business ventures. Late last night Kestrel was seen spooning Charlie in bed. The couple was cuddled up looking very much in love. As a prank Mr. Untouchable and his twin Mr. Untochable decided to pull the blankets back to snap a few pictures of Kestrel and his new woman only to find it was indeed the decaying body of Charlie Baltimore!! To their dismay, they were stricken with the stench emitting from the unpreserved body and found themselves vomiting in the corners of the room. Upon being woken with such surprise Kestrel jumped out of bed causing one of Charlie’s eyes to fall out of his sunken face. Uncle Nicky was making his way to bed when he heard the noise so ventured into the room to find all three of the participants trying to place the eye back into the socket with no avail. He strolled up to the bed and shook his head, giving the members of his mighty family a bit of advice in the care of rotting corpses. After replacing the eye in Charlie’s head with the aid of some glue and toothpicks the group decided to move the body out into the courtyard of their family run bar for all to see. As the men were propping poor old Charlie up in a lawn chair Uncle Nicky was seen bending over and kissing the top of his head with obvious affection. Not often does the old man show his emotions publicly but he didn’t hold back this evening. He was even seen checking the firmness of Charlie’s pectoral muscles and suggesting collagen injections to improve Charlie’s lips after noticing they were lacking firmness during a fatherly kiss. Also rumoured to be involved in this crime is the daughter of the beautiful Angie. Her make-up skills have been put to use in an attempt to cover up the signs of decay daily. She was seen purchasing a large amount of pancake foundation, lipstick, rouge, and mascara from the local general store accompanied by a panic-stricken gentleman that goes by the name of Eric. The young lady has been using Eric’s face to test different colours of foundation in an attempt to find out which tone makes Charlie look more alive as his complexion is very similar. Eric didn’t seem to complain, he even asked for a little bit more rouge to make his cheekbones look more intense and draw attention to his eyes. Before departing for a vacation Father O’Malley’s great grandson was seen modelling women’s evening gowns and picking out supportive undergarments that have been used to keep Charlie’s bloated stomach from popping the buttons on his shirt. The antics of the United Nations have been occurring for several weeks now. Charlie has been spotted being pushed around in a wheelchair smelling suspiciously of pine and bleach. He’s also been spotted with the group at local race tracks being used to bet on horses in an attempt to earn the family enough money to pay for the son of Mithras’ classes in how to care for aquarium born pets like goldfish and newts. You can avoid this group of grave robbers by keeping your nose alert to all smells that resemble cleaning supplies and rotting hamburger. No comment from the mortuary that was entrusted with the snatched body was available before press time and the United Nations has been quiet about this distressing act of body snatching insisting that Charlie is indeed alive and receiving treatment for the effects of a stroke that he suffered on August 12th. 'NOTES FROM THE ASYLUM #4' By: Lexicon Staggered home today following a 14 hour shift at MZs, only to discover that my home was up in flames. No more Gregoire, no more sharing a bunk bed with Sefton and, worse of all, no more Darth Vader Wallpaper... Having nowhere else to go I returned to MZs, though the blood curdling screams of TieDomiII being "examined" by Valencia kept me awake all night. Come morning I was back on duty for another 14-hour slog, before putting in a dribble-covered appearance at the First Round of the Miss Mafia Competition. If I cannot win by charm alone I shall ply the judges with "spare" medication. Recently at St. MZs: Sefton FBI. BFG. FUBAR and myself have initiated a number of drug trials, largely based on pretty colour combinations and amusing drug-name acronyms. Results to be announced shortly. Welcome to Gangitano, who entered MZs today claiming to be a Doctor. We are yet to conclude whether he is a deluded nut job or a medicinal genius. Dr. Kevin: Psychologist BS, POS. has set up his own practice. He is obviously a fraud - his letters clearly don't stand for anything of worth, and are not as pretty as mine. 'NEIGHBOURHOOD OUTFIT TO CONTINUE' By: Red_Dragon A few days ago a young and promising business by the name of Randle McMurphy was gunned down on the streets of Las Vegas. Mr. McMurphy was the head of L'Attrezzatura della Vicinanza... the Neighbourhood Outfit. Following his untimely demise, a fellow friend and ally took in his orphaned family and vowed to continue the traditions of the Neighbourhood Outfit and honour Mr. McMurphy's memory. The primarily goal at that time was to clean up the streets of Las Vegas by lowering the violent crime rate and punishing those responsible. Gregoire de Fronsac, like Mr. McMurphy, was assassinated this evening while sleeping in his home. At the time, he was recovering from wounds received in jail and was in no condition to put up a fight. As of yet, no one person or group has claimed responsibility for this act of cowardice. I am writing on behalf of Monsieur de Fronsac to inform the citizens of Las Vegas that, although both Mr. McMurphy and Monsieur de Fronsac are no longer with us, the Neighbourhood Outfit lives strong and thrives. They will continue to support the mission of their bosses and keep Las Vegas' streets clean. I will assist them in anyway I possibly can, be it financially or through my connections with other bosses of Las Vegas. If anyone would care to join the Neighbourhood effort, and me I implore you to get in contact with me. 'MISS MAFIA ROUND ONE' By: Tea_Jenny Yesterday the miss mafia contest began; it was well introduced and presented by TieDomiII. The first judge, MadDog, stepped up to the mic and set a tough set of questions for the ladies taking part. One of his questions seemed to tie in with his bias statement from the other day towards the Mr Mafia judges, "I was a contestant in the Mr. Mafia contest. Based on anything you have heard, read, know or think about me, true or not, do you think I should have won? Why or why not?" could this perhaps again be aimed at the ladies who did not vote for him in the Mr Mafia contest? Arielle tried to put on a brave face after the tragic death of her close friend Gregoire but broke down in tears and ran from the stage, soon after she withdrew herself from the contest. She felt she would bring down the atmosphere, as she needed to mourn. Mamacita did not seem bright enough to answer the questions and so avoided them like the plague while still making her presence known to all. She made absolutely no attempt to answer the questions and made little effort to impress the judges with her looks either. All the ladies looked gorgeous in their new dresses and although most of the girls who took part looked nervous when they walked out on stage they seemed to settle into it and even looked to be enjoying themselves by the time they left the stage. They all showed true knowledge and character in their answers. The first lady on stage was the lovely Valencia, who with her stage fright actually forgot to answer on of the questions, but realised soon after and ran back on stage to correct herself, lets hope the judges don't go hard on her for that mistake. With less than an hour to go before the time limit for answering in round one was over, there seemed to be quite a few of the girls who still hadn't turned up for their place in the competition. 'PSYCHIC WORLD' By: Natatia The stars, the cosmos, inner worlds, past lives, tarot, and the gift. Psychic counselling is now available to any of those seeking answers, guidance, life planning, or the future. My name is Natatia and I was blessed with the sixth sense. For those needing or desiring my services need only send your request, birth date, and your middle name. All questions meeting these requirements will be answered here in this column. 'WE HEAR THAT…' Gossip column by: Trixie ....Scarecrow recently discovered that he has an allergy to Indian food causing a horrible, horrible stinky side effects. Currently we hear, that he is locked in Atlanta in a porta-potty praying for mercy and some more T.P. ....Rex_n8 was seen standing in the middle of the street holding a small dog wearing red slippers and tapping his heels together muttering "There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home." and then Throwing the dog, beating it with a shoe and screaming for the world to hear "Why The bloody hell isn’t this working you dumb animal? You lied to me!!" and Stomping off. ....Stewie has revealed his plans of world domination. Starting with the death of his mother, Lois. He says that once that have been accomplished he is taking out Peter and the evil monkey that lives in Chris’s closet. No word on what he is going to do with Brian and Meg though. ....Valencia and WipeOut are soon to tie the knot. After a long night of drinking WipeOut managed to get a yes out of the woman he has had a secret crush on for months now. After Valencia came to from the fainting that overtook her at the sight of the ring, she gave a quick yes and then decided to get drunk again. Best of Luck Valencia and WipeOut, mostly to WipeOut seeing as his bride-to-be appears to have a drinking problem. ....Shylock was last seen sharing his Auntie Mel's lap with his new cousin, eating cookies and trying to scribble on Val's Barbie colouring books. ….That Lucio Masi arrived home to a room filled with 1500 helium-inflated sheep dressed in leather straps and ball gags. Loud whooping noises were heard emitting from his home for the rest of the day. 'OBITUARIES FOR SEP 18TH - SEP 19TH ' *St_Cuthbert : Believed to be an attack by the Who-Errs, this man was brutally murdered. RIP. ThomasEboli, R.I.P. You were good one:( Don__Vito, RIP my little Hawkery friend...:( *Gregoire_de_Fronsac : This much loved bar owner's death is a great loss to all, especially those who knew him. LaughingMan, ah whats this world coming to. another fine lost. RIP. BarbieDahl, Rest in peace Gregoire *DevilsPawn : Another day, another fine man gunned down. Plated, Damn, sorry to see a Tanzini go. Relapsed, RIP my friend *Bertone : He had only been in ownership for a day before he was killed. Totally undeserved. Baby_DFR, Sad day for the Tanzinis!! Regg1e, *Lays a white rose* *Moran : Busy and talkative, he made many friends in town, all will undoubtedly miss him. MagicTrev, RIP Moran... Jovinceino, RIP *Mithras : Well respected and known, he was brutally killed in an unprovoked attack. RIP. JesusTheGangsterrr, Jeez, everyone is dying. RIP M CarmelaDeAngelis, Rest In Peace Mithras. This was undeserved. *JackOfHearts : The nephew of our very own Editor, our thoughts go out to this fine young man's family. Valencia, le sigh @ you OpheliaPayne, *Shakes her head* Rest with the angels Snuggle Muffin. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. Dr. Sefton FBI. BFG. FUBAR My business has recently expanded and damnit, I got a lot of holes to fill, and by holes mean important vacancies and by fill I mean STUFF. That’s where you clowns come in, Like area management? Want to build up your PR skills? Like working the community over for a modest/grand fee? I promise you this; you take out what you put in. Very shortly, I Dr Lipbalm will be acquiring the latest in mobile food vending equipment, YES! YOU CAN RUN ONE OF THESE FOR ME! YES YOU! THE ONE IN THE HAT! What I can do for you is like asking what can a gun can do for whackers. Yes Whack! See, that’s in the small print, you don’t need to read it anyway. But listen, you obviously look at me in awe, how did I get here to be this fine upstanding member of our society? Damnit! I dug, not with a spade but with my hands and sheer grit. How did I start, I started with a mobile coffee van and a dream. Now, now I OWN that van, now I OWN my clothes and shortly I’ll OWN you! So, be the first rung on my ladder, work at my hotdog vans and if you please me, I’ll please you by moving up in this world, making meet and greets. This world is nothing without contacts. Don’t stay anonymous, work for me…. We’ll reach the sky, because that’s the limit… CONTACT Dr. Sefton FBI. BFG. FUBAR at Sefton, Las Vegas. Sefton, making mankind proud with clay ----------------------------------------- Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand. '' 'REFERENCES''' '''1. '''Article taken from http://pvp.a.mafia.org/gazette.php?issue=37 Browse • • • • • • •